I went through some phases with my music after my attack. One of the things that brought me out of panic attacks was singing. I tried relaxation techniques and grounding techniques, but what really stopped my hyperventilating was singing.

I was so sad that someone hated me enough to try to kill me. And I was mourning the loss of everything I was before–cheerful, adventurous caver, avid reader, calmer person. Most music was too cheerful for me. I couldn’t take the love songs or even the normal songs. So, I have two lists for you: the sad songs and the song that brought me out of my dark, sad closet.

The one I think is most important now is “Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin. I listened to it on repeat for days when I found it. I was suicidal and hanging on by a thread, tormented by PTSD symptoms. It was written by a man fighting leukemia, but it speaks to anyone fighting a battle. I still listen to it when I don’t feel like I have the energy to make it through a day. I remember that I have to “swim and swim when it hurts/ The whole world is watching/ You haven’t come this far to fall off the Earth”. This song and kind friends were the push I needed to apply to go back to school, and I did the week I found it.

I think sad songs have their place, as long as you don’t stay in the sadness. I found solace in them because those songs made me believe there were people out there just as shredded as I was. And we were all singing with our tattered souls. Here are the songs that made me believe other people existed who might understand trauma:

1. Demi Lovato “Anyone”

2. Kesha “Praying”

3. Taylor Swift “All Too Well”

4. Taylor Swift “Peace”. I honestly didn’t think I could give anyone peace after my attack.

5. Birdie “Skinny Love”

6. Halsey “Trouble” (Stripped)

7. Halsey “I’m Not Mad”

8. Alessia Cara “River of Tears”

9. Christina Perri “Jar of Hearts”

10. Bishop Briggs’s Church of Scars album

I hope my list sings you through your struggle and maybe brings you out of it.