Friends: Before Trauma and After

So, a terrible thing happened to you. If you’re like me, a man beat you up and terrified your children. If you had the strength to tell the whole world, people were probably shocked and kind. You might have had people reach out to help with specific needs or want to grab dinner.

Here’s the thing–some of the people you most want to hear from won’t call. They don’t know what to say and might have the emotional capacity of a peanut. Some of the people you haven’t seen since high school will want to check on you. But in my experience, this was not a way to tell who cares about me.

People who didn’t call did actually care and did still want to talk and send birthday presents. And they still don’t know what to say.

People who weren’t around for years and wanted to get dinner didn’t become my best friends. They didn’t want to grab dinner again. You don’t really make great impressions during those freshly post-trauma meetings. You are at your worst, but you’re interesting. And you become a golden star for debutantes who are monied do-gooders. You’re good enough to help, but not actually good enough to be friends with.

At first I was confused because I thought some of these people wanted to be my friends, but time passes, and when you’re at your lowest, weakest, most unwilling to live, those people are not the ones who are still around.

Don’t judge people by how well they react to trauma.

I lost people because of the trauma, too. The guy I was dating couldn’t take the PTSD-ridden woman I was, and I didn’t know if I would ever be better. I lost friends when I lost interest in hobbies because it turns out we were only connected by our mutual interest. People drifted away from me, but I have to say that the rate I lost people was equal to the rate I gained new friends and acquaintances.

The one beautiful thing about my attack was clarity. I gained crystalline certainty of who my friends actually are. And not all of them are people who called me after my attack or said nice things on Facebook. Your friend group likely won’t be the same as it was before, but I think it might even be better.

–Jessi

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